“Nobody special had come around to replace Duane, and she was moping, going to bed alone every night with a box of Velveeta and a fork.”
“That night, Hallie was relieved when Linda Soares, the town librarian who d spent years trying to impress Nick with her low-cut shirts and book recommendations, joined them for dinner.”
“In the street below, a posh-looking drunk man is reading the card of a prostitute, Blue-Tacked up by a doorbell. He’s examining it with all the forensic care I presume he puts into reading a wine list. ‘What are you looking for?’ I ask him, in my head. ‘What woman will go best with your main course of terrible, horny loneliness?’ I speculate, briefly, on how different the world would be if it were run by women. In that world, if you were a lonely, horny woman – as I am. As I always am – you’d see Blu-tacked postcards by Soho doorways that read, ‘Nice man in cardigan, 24, will talk to you about The Smiths whilst making you cheese-on-toast + come to parties with you. Apply within.”
“Tommy asks where Carolyn is. She s at Cindy s. They live together now, Salvador added. Didn’t they just start dating? Tommy asked. Tiger answered, Yeah... A couple of WEEKS ago. Unhappy about the news, Tommy objects to Carolyn moving in with Cindy. That s how it happens in our WORLD, Salvador said. One night you MEET, the next night you MOVE IN, and before you KNOW IT- you re digging a GRAVE IN THE BACK YARD FOR YOUR LOVER DURING A FREAK THUNDERSTORM. THAT IS HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE, Tommy said. After Salvador apologizes, Tommy asks how Raven s doing in prison. Fucking GREAT. Tiger answered. How do you THINK? No longer on suicide watch? NO... FUCK... Speaking of fucking. Is he still with BULL DOG? I REALLY don’t wanna TALK about RAVEN right now- AND WHO HE S FUCKING. Talk about INAPPROPRIATE.”
“I want to be the guy in a movie who s, I don t know, out walking his rabbit on a leash (I don t have a rabbit) and knows exactly how to strike up a quirky, compelling conversation. Though maybe if you re walking a rabbit on a leash, you don t even have to speak; the rabbit does the work for you. Not that Zuzana seems like the rabbity type. Maybe if I were walking a fox on a leash. Or a hyena. Yeah, if I had a hyena, I d probably never have to start a conversation again. Except for, Sorry my hyena ate your leg.”
“You hardly know me and yet you invited me out on a date,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘Why?’ Because you called me a phoney, Moist thought. You saw through me straight away. Because you didn’t nail my head to the door with your crossbow. Because you have no small talk. Because I’d like to get to know you better, even though it would be like smooching an ashtray. Because I wonder if you could put into the rest of your life the passion you put into smoking a cigarette. In defiance of Miss Maccalariat I’d like to commit hanky-panky with you, Miss Adora Belle Dearheart… well, certainly hanky, and possibly panky when we get to know one another better. I’d like to know as much about your soul as you know about mine… He said: ‘Because I hardly know you.’ ‘If it comes to that, I hardly know you, either,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘I’m rather banking on that,’ said Moist. This got a smile. ‘Smooth answer. Slick. Where are we really eating tonight?”
“Women are attracted to bad boys not because they want to fall in love… we just want to ride on the backs of their motor bikes.”
“Maybe the Buddha was right: pain and suffering are the only true constants in life.”
“Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.”
“Someone once said that nostalgia is longing for a place you’d never go back to and thinking about it… that’s pretty much how I’m feeling about my ex-husband: longing for someone I’d never go back to.”
“And I have to say, books haven’t helped much with all this. Because whenever you read anything about love, whenever anyone tries to define it, there’s always a state or an abstract noun, and I try to think of it like that. But actually, love is… Well, it’s just you. And when you go, it’s gone. Nothing abstract about it.”
“Why do women always feel they have to settle for less?”
“Indeed, infatuation thrives on image (while love thrives on knowledge).”
“Don’t you think it’s a bad sign that your best argument for your beau is that nothing has been proved in court?”
“To all ladies who like offering sex to a man in the first few weeks of dating, this is what happens: Once he penetrates you, he will start seeing invisible spots on your face, which means that the honor and respect is gone! And now he would be targeting another cheap meat, and if he can buy it, then he concludes that all women are whore. If he continues to exploit women, then your name will be among the list of his thousand of whores.”
“When we see a good-looking woman with a not-so-good-looking man, we assume that the man must have a good bank balance. When we see a good-looking man with a not-so-good-looking woman, we assume that she must be good in bed.”
“Tedious as it may appear to some to dwell on the discovery of odds and ends that have, no doubt, been thrown away by the owner as rubbish ... yet it is by the study of such trivial details that Archaeology is mainly dependent for determining the date of earthworks. ... Next to coins fragments of pottery afford the most reliable of all evidence ...”