“People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.”
“You’re not beautiful,” he said. “Your profile said beautiful. You kind of overreached on that one.”
“Porn mainly exists to satisfy the physical needs of men. Unfortunately many young men use porn to get educated about sex. But porn is not romance, lovemaking and about an emotional connection with their girlfriend, wife, or lover.”
“You didn t date someone to change him. You dated him because you wanted him for the way he was. Flaws and fears and all.”
“Girlfriends aren’t allowed to care if you have Stilton socks. Friends are.” All the same, she gave her hands a quick, professional shake and took hold of my foot. “Plus, you might be less of a pain in the arse if you got more action.”
“For a moment she knew exactly what he was thinking, not just about Tom, but about her, and himself, and all of life, and she liked the way he saw things. She could spend her life tuning into the calming frequency of his thoughts. He wasn t a stiff, and he wasn t a weakling either. What was the word for it? Sensitive was the only one that came to mind, amazing as that was to consider; he was a sensitive man. He soaked up whatever you gave him.”
“There are no failures. Just experiences.”
“Nobody special had come around to replace Duane, and she was moping, going to bed alone every night with a box of Velveeta and a fork.”
“That night, Hallie was relieved when Linda Soares, the town librarian who d spent years trying to impress Nick with her low-cut shirts and book recommendations, joined them for dinner.”
“In the street below, a posh-looking drunk man is reading the card of a prostitute, Blue-Tacked up by a doorbell. He’s examining it with all the forensic care I presume he puts into reading a wine list. ‘What are you looking for?’ I ask him, in my head. ‘What woman will go best with your main course of terrible, horny loneliness?’ I speculate, briefly, on how different the world would be if it were run by women. In that world, if you were a lonely, horny woman – as I am. As I always am – you’d see Blu-tacked postcards by Soho doorways that read, ‘Nice man in cardigan, 24, will talk to you about The Smiths whilst making you cheese-on-toast + come to parties with you. Apply within.”
“Tommy asks where Carolyn is. She s at Cindy s. They live together now, Salvador added. Didn’t they just start dating? Tommy asked. Tiger answered, Yeah... A couple of WEEKS ago. Unhappy about the news, Tommy objects to Carolyn moving in with Cindy. That s how it happens in our WORLD, Salvador said. One night you MEET, the next night you MOVE IN, and before you KNOW IT- you re digging a GRAVE IN THE BACK YARD FOR YOUR LOVER DURING A FREAK THUNDERSTORM. THAT IS HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE, Tommy said. After Salvador apologizes, Tommy asks how Raven s doing in prison. Fucking GREAT. Tiger answered. How do you THINK? No longer on suicide watch? NO... FUCK... Speaking of fucking. Is he still with BULL DOG? I REALLY don’t wanna TALK about RAVEN right now- AND WHO HE S FUCKING. Talk about INAPPROPRIATE.”
“I want to be the guy in a movie who s, I don t know, out walking his rabbit on a leash (I don t have a rabbit) and knows exactly how to strike up a quirky, compelling conversation. Though maybe if you re walking a rabbit on a leash, you don t even have to speak; the rabbit does the work for you. Not that Zuzana seems like the rabbity type. Maybe if I were walking a fox on a leash. Or a hyena. Yeah, if I had a hyena, I d probably never have to start a conversation again. Except for, Sorry my hyena ate your leg.”
“You hardly know me and yet you invited me out on a date,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘Why?’ Because you called me a phoney, Moist thought. You saw through me straight away. Because you didn’t nail my head to the door with your crossbow. Because you have no small talk. Because I’d like to get to know you better, even though it would be like smooching an ashtray. Because I wonder if you could put into the rest of your life the passion you put into smoking a cigarette. In defiance of Miss Maccalariat I’d like to commit hanky-panky with you, Miss Adora Belle Dearheart… well, certainly hanky, and possibly panky when we get to know one another better. I’d like to know as much about your soul as you know about mine… He said: ‘Because I hardly know you.’ ‘If it comes to that, I hardly know you, either,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘I’m rather banking on that,’ said Moist. This got a smile. ‘Smooth answer. Slick. Where are we really eating tonight?”
“Women are attracted to bad boys not because they want to fall in love… we just want to ride on the backs of their motor bikes.”
“Maybe the Buddha was right: pain and suffering are the only true constants in life.”
“Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.”
“Someone once said that nostalgia is longing for a place you’d never go back to and thinking about it… that’s pretty much how I’m feeling about my ex-husband: longing for someone I’d never go back to.”