“Oh, uh-uh, Shaundelle said. I m not gonna be no place where no ghost is gonna be knockin nobody upside the head. I m outta here. I m not going to take any chances that some ghost is gonna mess up this pretty face.”
“Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.”
“Etiquette tip: If you re looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, No one leaves here alive, that s your cue.”
“Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.”
“Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t worry, I whispered over the line, I’m an expert on stupid. You’re... Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator. Never say that word again, Prof said.”
“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
“I m standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.”
“Miss Butterworth and the Mad Baron,” Sebastian said approvingly. “Excellent choice.” “You have read this?” Alexei asked. “It’s not as good as Miss Davenport and the Dark Marquis, of course, but worlds better than Miss Sainsbury and the Mysterious Colonel.” Harry found himself rendered speechless. “I’m reading Miss Truesdale and the Silent Gentleman right now.” “Silent?” Harry echoed. “There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.”
“A Wasn’t just isn t. He just isn t present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn t that pleasant!”
“Clearly these were deliberate waterworks to make me feel bad about myself and what would you know, they water-worked perfectly!”
“Just relax and breathe through your ass.”
“- He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful. - It was stupid.”
“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click I agree .”
“And I must draft an advertisement for the Daily Prophet, too, he added thoughtfully. We ll be needing a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.... Dear me, we do seem to run through them, don t we?”
“Now, this is where I draw the line! It s bad enough everybody in town s going to be thinkin I m sleeping with a depressed, lice-ridden, hemorrhoidal foreigner who likes to be tied up and might be pregnant, although-since she s just about cornered the market on condoms-I don t know how that could have happened. But I will not-you listen to me, Emma!-I absolutely will not have anybody thinkin a woman of mine needs a vaginal moisturizer, do you hear me?”
“Only in California could the night air be lit not by fireflies, but radioactive porn star cumshots.”
“Not enough info makes for a lot of dead cats. Dead cats? You know, Curiosity killed the cat. And I have enough curiosity to start a feline genocide. Feline genocide? Yeah. If you don t explain Apollo, the cat kingdom will crumble. Cats all over the world will suddenly plop down in unmoving masses of fur, their food will dry up in smelly chunks of fish, and when people call, Here, kitty kitty kitty, no cats will come running; they ll just- Walter suddenly stopped. What s wrong? Ashley asked. Walter stared straight ahead. I just realized . . . if all those things happened, no one would notice the difference. ~Walter~”