“What the hell. If you had to go, why not go with style?”
“Lorne always says, You never want to be the smartest person in the room, because you always want to challenge yourself and try to get to the level of the people you admire.”
“Comedy is a lie, too, of course. It’s a defense, an aggression. It is a thing created to separate, to say, “I am not like this.” It is Godlike in its judgment and, by definition, the antithesis of empathy. Comedy sits on its throne and states: You are ridiculous. You are pathetic. You are stupid. Your pain amuses me. Most important, I am not you. Even comedy directed at the self, the stand-ups, the Woody Allens of the world, is performed as an act of defense: I am in on the joke that is me, therefore the joke is not me.”
“Stubble or what? Eyes still closed he chuckled. I m not shaving until our parents let us date again. He kissed my cheek. What if it takes... a... while? I asked struggling to talk. He d made his way down to my neck. His tongue circled there slowly. There are only six or seven weeks until August football practice starts right? Hm. His mouth moved up my neck toward my ear. Oh. Will you be able to stuff your beard into your helmet? I croaked. In answer he put his lips on my ear. I forgot the next joke I d planned to make and lost myself in Adam.”
“Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.”
“It d be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it s totally obvious to everyone that I did it.”
“Tragedy. She considered that word. On the whole, she felt, life was more comedy than tragedy. Nearly everything that happened had its comic element, not too well buried, either. Sooner or later one could find something to laugh at in almost every situation. That was what, in the last analysis, could keep folks from going mad. The truth was, if you got a good Tragedy out of a lifetime, one good, ripping tragedy, thorough, unridiculous, bottom-scraping, not the issue of human stupidity, you were doing, she thought, very well, you were doing very well.”
“There are more things in Heaven and earth... Uncle Gryffyn muttered. Now ain t the time to be quotin old Bill Shakes, guv, Bellows shot in.”
“Alma didn’t want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn’t shush until sundown. “I’ve found the missing lady,” Alma said. “Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet.”
“If ye wear underwear, it s a skirt. If ye dinna, it s a kilt.”
“When in doubt, watch Die Hard.”
“Haley and I would talk for hours about which member of N Sync we d want to marry. After long deliberation, the answer was always J. C. Chasez. Joey Fatone s last name was going to be “Fat One” no matter how great he was, and even though they didn t know at their age that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he d make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin Timberlake, well, JT was the coolest and hottest, but too flashy, so we couldn t trust him to be faithful. J. C. Chasez was the smart compromise.”
“There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I ll cry.”
“It could be worse... It could be raining”
“In comedy laughter settles all arguments.”
“Author s Warning If you re buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don t blame me. I told you.”
“Being less discriminative shouldn t mean protecting nasty people, then discriminating against the innocent”