“College wasn t like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.”
“Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.”
“I am going to kill you, he hissed. She gulped. Don t you want to lecture me first? He stared at her with a heavy dose of stupefaction. I take that back, he said with precisely clipped words. First I am going to strangle you, and then I am going to kill you. Here? she asked doubtfully, looking around. Won t my dead body look suspicious in the morning?”
“I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.”
“I could shove this swizzle stick through his heart, Min thought. She wouldn’t do it, of course. The stick was plastic and not nearly pointed enough on the end. Also people didn’t do things like that in Southern Ohio. A sawed-off shotgun, that was the ticket.”
“To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.”
“To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don t really worry that much about what other people think of me.”
“I m not stalking her, I insisted. I m making sure she s safe. Besides, how could you stalk Lori McGillicuddy? She d see you and come out to your truck and say, Hi, I m Lori. Are you my stalker? It s so neat to meet you! While you re stuck here watching my every move, can I bring you anything? Sweet tea?”
“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.”
“My father hired you to protect me, Ahmed said, not to go off chasing men. Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. We think this guy killed Fred. Who s Fred? My uncle, I told him. He s married to Mabel. Ah so you re avenging a murder in the family. This is a good thing.”
“That s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.”
“Sir Eustace was with Royce and Stefan looking over some maps when he was informed by the guard that the ladies were asking for him. Is there no end to her arrogance! Royce bit out, referring to Jenny. She even sends her guards on errands, and what s more, they run to do her bidding. Checking his tirade, he said shortly, I assume it was the blue-eyed one with the dirty face who sent you? Sir Lionel chuckled and shook his head. I saw two clean faces, Royce, but the one who talked to me had greenish eyes, not blue. Ah, I see, Royce said sarcastically, it wasn t Arrogance that sent you trotting away from your post, it was Beauty. What does she want?”
“I don t advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.”
“Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help. Rhoan Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I m totally serious. Riley”
“بعضهم يقول إن الحياة قصيرة، وأنك قد تموت في حادث سيارة في أي لحظة، فعليك أن تعيش كل يوم كأنه آخر أيامك. هذا هراء. الحيـاة طويلة. ومن المحتمل جداً أنك لا تموت في حادث سيارة، وعندها عليك أن تعيش مع نتائج خياراتك لمدة خمسين عاماً”
“At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.”
“What I realized was: I might never have this chance again. In fact, I almost certainly would never have this chance again. Did I really want to look back and think: I could have done more, but I was afraid people would think I was lame for trying too hard? I decided to try really hard.”