“He was the kind of teacher every child hated, and they suspected most of the staff did not like him too.”
“It is in the best interest of the rich to preserve poverty.”
“I leave the outdoors to you. It is too warm out there to read comfortable, and summer, like many uncomfortable things, is as welcome as a dim woman. It is tolerable to look at, but after being made to interact with it, nobody wants anything to do with it.”
“Believe me, Dirk; I ve been in this game a long time and I know what I m talking about. I ve seen it all; wife swapping during a coach tour of Norfolk churches, orgies at a pensioners whist drive in Somerset; a mystery weekend where the real mystery turned out to be, what was Mr Preston doing hanging upside down in the wardrobe with an apple in his mouth.”
“Kaz reached into his coat pocket. Here, he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover. Are we going to read to each other? Just flip it open to the back. Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. So? Hold it up so we don t have to look at your ugly face. My face has character. Besides - oh! An excellent read, isn t it? Who knew I had a taste for literature?”
“Do none of you ever walk? I asked, baffled. And how do you keep from getting all over mud? she said. We both looked down. I was a good two inches deep in mud along all the bottom of today s skirt: bigger around than a wagon-wheel and made of purple velvet and silver lace. I don t, I said glumly.”
“Maybe the one real advantage to getting older is that you have the time to pull your head a little bit farther out of your ass.”
“You are a mousetrap of a friend, all soft cheese and hard springs”
“Ouch! What are you doing, Karl, you broke my skull!”
“Miss Climpson, said Lord Peter, is a manifestation of the wasteful way in which this country is run. Look at electricity, Look at water-power. Look at the tides. Look at the sun. Millions of power units being given off into space every minute. Thousands of old maids, simply bursting with useful energy, forced by our stupid social system into hydros and hotels and communities and hostels and posts as companions, where their magnificent gossip-powers and units of inquisitiveness are allowed to dissipate themselves or even become harmful to the community, while the ratepayers money is spent on getting work for which these women are providentially fitted, inefficiently carried out by ill-equipped policemen like you.”
“No. I just like dabbing girls faces with napkins. It s a fetish of mine. Don t worry - my shrink says it s harmless.”
“I have a bad habit of wolfing down things that catch my eye.”
“Drelmere and sons, fine outfitters for the discerning magician!” he was shouting, his voice barely carrying over the hubbub. “Robes! Pointy hats! Beard grooming supplies! Yes, you sir, how can OH GOD HURRAAARRGLAB.” I waited patiently for him to finish decorating the pavement with his stomach contents. “Sorry,” he said, bent double and gulping. Impressively, he immediately continued his sales pitch from that position. “Looking for a new robe?” “Yes, this one’s starting to whiff a bit.” “Yes, I . . . gathered that, sir.” He took a few deep, groaning breaths into a star-patterned hanky and seemed to gather himself. “What sort of price range were you OH GOD YOUR EYES HURRAAARRGLAB.” I tapped my now bile-sodden foot. “Shall I come back later?”
“Well! marriage is like death, it comes to all.”
“I truly believed that a man should not be seen to be out front on feminism. That would be just like a man to try to take over the women s movement. We d taken over everything else in history, in society, in the world, why not feminism, too? No, I don t think so.”
“Candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.”
“Child, if such folks awe you, then picture them on the lavatory, straining, constipated. They will at once seem small, pathetic, manageable. And she whispered to me a great, universal truth: THE BOWELS ARE GREAT LEVELLERS.”