“The only thing on Chris’s mind was the wish that he had brought some spare undergarments on this outing.”
“What ruins comedy material is pure levels of being fragile.”
“You ll learn more about life from the stand-up of a responsible comedian than from the literature of an egotistical intellectual.”
“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I ve never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there s like 900 of em lined up, there s a salesman there. What s this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You ve got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.”
“Stay away from her. Okay. Keep your hands off her. I ll try. He scowled at me. I will, I said.”
“No, the professor replied. Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn t met a certain van driver from Yeovil. ~Professor Hamilton”
“So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.”
“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”
“The truth is like sunlight: It causes cancer.”
“Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.”
“One should never give up on hope. Unless that s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.”
“Son, he said, you monkeyed up.”
“Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.”
“hi my name is luke, it rhymes with puke!”
“College wasn t like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.”
“Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.”
“I am going to kill you, he hissed. She gulped. Don t you want to lecture me first? He stared at her with a heavy dose of stupefaction. I take that back, he said with precisely clipped words. First I am going to strangle you, and then I am going to kill you. Here? she asked doubtfully, looking around. Won t my dead body look suspicious in the morning?”